Damn you depression!

Damn you depression!

To paraphrase a co-worker “I hate my life”.

I was feeling better, I was doing fine. The depression was gone, thanks to a couple of months of rest and some pills. I had come back to work, started easy at 2 hours per day and with a marvellously welcoming team and workplace. After a couple of weeks I started working 4 hours per day and 3 weeks ago it was 6 hours a day. On Monday I was supposed to be full-time worker again. This will not be the case due to my depression having completely other ideas and I am now confined to quarters without supper, for 3 more weeks. And this really feels horrible.

Since coming back to work I have been tired the first days of every upping in work time. Each time I increased the time at work I got exhausted, but after 2 or 3 days I felt like a normal person again. I have felt a great improvement in my spirits and I now love my job again. My brain has been working more for me instead of against me. I have been able to handle the voice in my head telling me how crappy I am, actually that voice has almost gone completely silent. I enjoy spending time with my co-workers and take part in their discussions. I have started looking at the future brightly and actually I have on several occasions found myself feeling rather happy and with a silly smile on my lips.

But somewhere in the last 3 weeks the happiness has slowly drained itself out of me, my motivation has been going down, slowly, but noticeably. I’ve been feeling more and more tired again. I was hoping it was just like every beginning of a new upped work time but this time the tiredness hasn’t gone away. I have also started to feel more sad again. Because of this I called the doctor again, thinking that I should probably stay on 6 hours a day for a few more weeks. This was however not her idea. She saw the declination in my wellbeing as a sign of a too fast start and the feeling of ants running through my body like crazy as a sign of more anxiety. And here I am; staying home full-time.

In January when the doctor sent me home it was a relief. I was feeling totally broken. I could start crying from all and nothing. I had anxiety attacks and could hardly get out of bed. This time it isn’t all that bad. I am really tired again, I’ve started to feel a bit stressed and the ants in my body are back. I can also start shaking at any given time and my headache is worse again. I also lose words which is really annoying when trying to talk. My feeling of being rather fine is obviously not correct and once again I am forced to realise that my knowledge of myself isn’t what I thought it was.

I will probably feel fine again soon, but right now I am mostly frustrated by the fact that I had to leave my job again. I will really miss it this time. I realise I caught this much earlier than last time, but still, it does feel like a defeat. The damn depression defeated me again. But I will come back, I must come back, I will become the happy me I know is hiding behind this gruesome tiredness and sadness. I have to, because this is not how I want to live my life.